September 18,1996
J.Taft©1996
This satire spoof was written five-years ago, and it only proves that the more things change the more they stay the same. Hugo Hills is an expensive state care facility for adults. The incidents mentioned have a basis in fact, but have been swirled in the blender of satire. The man with the toothbrush left town, but others came and filled his shoes. JT 3-15-01
Pain in The Neck
By John Taft
You three boys say you have a pain in the neck? As a psychiatrist I can tell you all you need is a little psychoanalyzing and the pain will vanish, as it is a symbol of inner conflict.
Each of you please recline on a couch and relax. Please take your shoes off, No! leave your trousers on, and now we can get started. When did this pain in the neck first appear?
You say when you were elected commissioners? Ah ha! I have it! You have job stress and need to take a leave of absence with full pay. What! you don't want to do that? You want to keep working? But you are public employees, and it's an accepted practice. Besides, you have constitutional rights.
You say you like wielding power. Yes, so did Joseph, Adolph, Bill, and some others but that I can understand. And there are those who get in your way and spoil your fun. Right? Then you should file a complaint against these individuals with the District Attorney. They are obstructionists, are interfering with the functioning of government, and need to be charged with the crime of obstructionism. Then the judge can sentence them to come see me, and I will psychoanalyze them. We have a nice place for them to stay at our little resort called Hugo Hills Sanitarium all taxpayer paid at $80,000 per client. Our boys over there know their jobs. We'll take care of the obstructionists. Ho Ho!
What, you still have the pain in the neck? I thought for sure that idea would alleviate the problem and the pain would go poof.
We shall continue our therapy. Is there any county department that bothers you? Now, just one at a time. Yes, the airport. Now groaning isn't going to help you. You're big boys now. You say you don't know what to do? Perhaps you could lease the whole operation to the feds. I hear they have their eye on this county and we all could make a buck. Ah ha! you like that? What do you boys know about the EZ/EC program? I can see by the gleam in your squinty eyes that you do. Now we are making progress.
What's next? Howling through the years? What is that? A Halloween program? It was a concert in the park? What went wrong there? Everything? Did you lose money? I see, well, $40,000 isn't very much; it's only taxpayer money. Forget it you have more
important things to worry about. Now are you feeling better? What! the pain is worse? Well, we may have to try retrogression but first lets do a little more digging to ease your consciences.
What's that? A sweet heart deal with a former legal counsel. What happened? He called the taxpayers what? Jerks! And you paid him $40 grand when he left office and hired him back when jobs came up. Then you and seven other elected county officials took big pay hikes given by the budget committee you appointed? You boys have been naughty! Well, cheer up, things could be worse.
Besides the taxpayers have probably forgotten all about these things. You know the old saying, " Out of sight out of mind." Now do you feel better? No! You boys do have serious psychological problems. Maybe some hypnotherapy is in order.
Let's have all the dirt. You did what to the kids? Shut down the 4-H program. And then you took away funds to keep the Veterans office doors open. You make me want to kick you out of my office. But I am a professional and I shall help you gain back your self-respect. Have I heard it all now there are no more dastardly deeds you've done to darken your subconscious mind? You must tell me everything, so we can get rid of your pain in the neck. Unbelievable, you shut down the public library. But it got a levy going and is now running normally. Well, continue. But I thought we were through with "Howling through the Years," You didn't! You did. You stuck the blame on the park department director and then fired him. Are you sure all you have is a pain in the neck? But, maybe there is still hope for you.
You boys are afraid you are going, to go where? Don't be silly there isn't any such place. Dicken's Christmas Carol and Marly's ghost with the chains is only a fable, a story. Not to worry.
You've been in bed with whom? The developers? Then you voted to dump effluence in the Rogue River from the Redwood Sewer District. Well, dump it all on me, boys, we have to get you cured!
You thought it would be cool to have a state prison here and look at all the jobs it would provide, so you wrote the prison siting committee asking for more information. And the sheriff joined you? And the DA got on the prison siting committee. Then when the public cried foul you recanted your interest but left the sheriff blowing in the wind. Hmm, that reminds me of a song I used to sing "The Answer is Blowing in the Wind". Sorry, I don't want to get distracted.
Come now, I'm sure you don't hate him. That is a very powerful negative emotion. Oh, you are sure you do! Tell me why. He never leaves you alone? You started dreaming about him and he haunts you day and night. So you created the "gag rule at your public meetings" and run your meetings like Sadam Hussein in Iraq. And then he came with his toothbrush to camp in your office because he wanted some silly jail plans? So you had deputies that weren't usually available come to your office and arrest him. Hmm, seems to me you boys may have a classic persecution complex. This is more serious than I thought. Come back next week and I'll fit you in.
Hello, Hugo Hills, do you have room for three more?